Narcissists all have one thing in common – charisma. Falling in love with them can initially feel like a
wonderful experience. First dates, new love, and amazing adventures. Before you know it, you are head over heels for them. Then, as time goes by, you become increasingly confused by their behavior. The person who you thought was loving and caring slowly starts to unravel into a master manipulator. It is so hard, though, to put your finger on what exactly is going on because it is a form of covert/passive manipulation. The subtle mind games keep you hooked on the narcissist, and you find yourself doubting your gut instinct and wondering if you are overacting. No matter how many times you think of the good times, you have a nagging feeling that something is … off. Below is a sneak peek into some of the common manipulation tactics used by narcissists.
1. Gaslighting: Undermining Your Reality
Gaslighting is a psychological tactic used to make someone question their reality, memory, or perceptions. Narcissists use this method to dismiss your feelings, deny your abusive behavior, and make you doubt your own experiences. This can leave victims feeling confused, anxious, and unable to trust their judgment. Gaslighting can sound like this:
“It’s in the past so stop bringing it up.”
“I’m sorry but you…”
“It was a joke.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re being overly sensitive.”
Through the narcissist’s subtle acts of invalidation, they will make you doubt yourself. Before you know it, you’ll be questioning your worth. When this happens, tell yourself: “I’ve seen this one before. I know exactly what the narcissist is doing. It’s gaslighting.” When you’re able to name and identify the manipulation tactic that the narcissist is using, you are better equipped to break the trauma bond.
2. Love Bombing: The Illusion of Affection
Love bombing is a manipulation tactic where someone overwhelms another person with affectionate actions, words, and gifts to gain control or influence over them. Oftentimes, you might feel as though “it’s too good to be true” or you think to yourself “My spouse is so nice.”
They use flattery and positive statements designed to create a strong emotional bond quickly, making you feel uniquely seen, loved, and valued. However, the underlying motive is to manipulate.
Here are five statements that might be indicative of a love bombing:
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”
“You’re perfect for me in every way. We’re soulmates.”
“I can’t live without you.”
“You understand me like no one else ever has.”
“You’re all that I need in a spouse.”
Love bombing is not a genuine expression of love but rather a tactic to hook someone emotionally and create the illusion that they treat you well. Narcissists will vacillate between love bombing and passive acts of abuse (such as putting you down, invalidating your feelings, etc.), all to confuse you. Oftentimes, narcissistic survivors report that they were treated well by their spouses in front of family and friends but degraded and humiliated behind closed doors.
3. Triangulation: Creating Competition
Triangulation occurs when the narcissist brings a third person into the marriage to create competition, doubt, or jealousy. By comparing you unfavorably to others or openly flirting with someone else in your presence, they aim to diminish your self-esteem and make you vie for their attention, thus maintaining control over you. On the surface, the narcissist makes it seem innocent. For example, they may start talking about someone else frequently and praising their intelligence, humor, or success. Underneath this act, however, they are trying to provoke a reaction from you. You will find yourself wondering, “Am I not good enough?” You will start to feel betrayed; but when you confront the narcissist, they will dismiss your concerns and accuse you of being overly sensitive.
Why does the narcissist do this? Narcissists thrive on attention, control, and admiration. It feeds the narcissist’s ego, as they become the coveted prize in this twisted competition. Moreover, it allows the narcissist to deflect blame and avoid accountability. Instead, they blame their spouses for being “jealous” or “insecure,” rather than the narcissist owning their manipulative behavior.
4. Projection: Shifting Blame
Narcissists are notorious for refusing to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they try to disorient and guilt trip their partners. Projection not only diverts attention from their faults but also makes their partner feel unjustly responsible for the narcissist’s actions or the problems in the marriage. When a narcissist projects blame, it can sound like:
“You’re always overthinking things.”
“Stop overreacting. You’re so dramatic.”
“You’re the one who’s lying and manipulating!”
“You’re always trying to control me!”
“Something is wrong with you. You need to go to therapy.”
Do you notice that these are all “you” statements? So, here is a clue: when a sentence starts with “you,” just note that there’s a good chance the narcissist is projecting.
5. Using the Children as Pawns
The narcissist can exploit one of your most treasured relationships – the children. In the tumultuous landscape of divorce, the narcissist views the children as pawns and a means to inflict pain upon you. The narcissist’s lack of empathy allows them to ignore the harm their behavior has on the children. They will alienate the kids from you, weaponize parenting decisions, restrict access, and say that you are an emotionally unstable parent. Family therapy might be hard because the narcissist will try to use it to their advantage as they have no genuine intention of co-parenting. Some things that they might say to the kids to project blame on you include:
“I wish we could spend more time together, but your mom/dad insists on taking you away from me.”
“If your mom/dad loved you, they wouldn’t be so difficult.”
“The other parent is making a big deal over small things.”
6. Future Faking: The Bait They Use
Future faking is the practice of promising a future together, with no real intent to do so. This is a tactic used by narcissists to get what they want in the present (e.g. sex, money, etc.). Sometimes their goal is to string you along until they find someone else. Other times, the goal is to “buy time” to put things in place (e.g. moving money around). It could also be because they just enjoy having their cake and eating it too. Sounds manipulative, right? That is because, at its core, it is. Future faking can sound like:
“Once I get more money, I’ll buy you the gift you always wanted.”
“We’ll buy our dream home one day.”
7. Silent Treatment: A Form of Punishment and Control
Silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation used to punish and control. By withdrawing affection or refusing to communicate, the narcissist aims to induce feelings of guilt, fear, and worthlessness in their victim, often compelling the person to apologize for offenses they have not committed or to seek reconciliation at any cost.
8. Intermittent Reinforcement
“Intermittent Reinforcement” might sound like a fancy term, but it is quite simple. It occurs when the narcissist keeps you on an unpredictable oscillation between rewards (kindness, affection) and punishments (anger, cold shoulder). Oftentimes, it keeps you hoping for the “good times” to come back. But soon you will find yourself accepting the bare minimum as you continue to hope for the best.
Recognizing these tactics is the first step in protecting yourself from the narcissist’s manipulative game. You can identify them and trust your gut instinct to do the next best thing for yourself and your well-being.
Dr. Leah Nathan is a Licensed Psychologist/Divorce Coach on staff at Cooper Ginsberg Gray. Divorce coaching is a service offered exclusively to the firm’s clients. It includes 1:1 coaching, a weekly support group, and complimentary webinars. If you’re a client of the firm or strongly considering retaining the firm, please contact lnathan@cgglawyers.com to find out more. Please note, that this service is not offered to clients who are represented by an attorney outside of the firm.