The holiday season is fast approaching and kick starts with Thanksgiving this week. As many parents are trying to navigate through the stressful divorce or separation process, the holiday season is further complicated by how to celebrate with the children. The holidays typically represent a break in tradition and this makes it incredibly hard for parents and children. Parents may want to continue traditions at their own separate homes and children may feel torn between which parent to celebrate with. Many parents are also faced with a change in their financial circumstances, and find it difficult to celebrate the way they used to as a family. The bigger picture is that the last thing a parent wants (or should want) is for their children to carry negative memories of their parents fighting over the holidays. So the question is: do you want to be “naughty or nice?” The “NICE” way has the bigger WIN impact for you, your children, and your family.
Some top tips include:
1) PLAN: Remember if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. So be prepared to have constructive co-parenting discussions with your spouse. It would be worthwhile to make suggestions on dates and times that you could both share time with the children. Remember, this is about the kids. Do not use your children as weapons in a war against your spouse.
2) REASSURE THE KIDS THAT THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS A MEMORABLE TIME: Although there may be a change in how the holiday season is celebrated, it is important to reassure your children that this is the time to create new rituals and traditions that will still create happy memories.
3) TAKE IT ONE HOLIDAY AT A TIME: If this is your first holiday as a separated family, be patient. It will get easier. It will get better. It will hurt less. Right now, your focus should be on acting in the best interest of your children.
Below are some examples of using the “nice” strategy to explain holidays during divorce to your children:
a) Let the children know that, although the separation is difficult, they get to celebrate with mom and dad at two different times. This means that they will get double the celebration, double the gifts, double the love, and double the attention. Avoid “naughty” responses such as, “I do not want you to go, but you have to because the other parent is being so difficult”. Although you may miss your children, do not put the focus on yourself; rather, encourage them to have fun and embrace the change.
b) If there is gift giving, do not denigrate the gift that is given by your spouse. Rather, try to embrace it, and remember that children generally view gifts as positive and exciting things. Do not be “naughty” and detract from their joy.
c) Commonly, there is a change in financial circumstances and you may not be able to buy the gift of your child’s choice as you may have done in past years. Don’t be “naughty” by complaining to the kids that the other parent is dragging you through a custody battle and you are broke. Instead, capitalize on the memories and engage in more cost effective ideas of creating a new sense of family cohesion. On that note, I will end this blog entry with the quote below and a reminder that investing in creating positive memories with your children is the best gift you can give them.
