The Balancing Act of Coronavirus and Co-Parenting in Northern Virginia

Just when you thought things couldn’t get worse, here comes a pandemic that has a crippling effect on the economy and divorce proceedings. This has been a game changer in how divorcing families function. Not only are schools closed, but most of the common custody grounds (i.e., public places) are closed too. And, to further complicate things, the change in work and school schedules have introduced an uncharted territory for our clients. The Courts are only taking emergency cases, leaving some potentially pressing decisions up to you and your co-parent.

So, here are a few tips to add to your co-parenting survival toolkit.

1. Think of your soon to be ex-spouse as your co-parenting partner instead

As I’m typing this I’m reminiscing on a quote I heard a while back – when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change. So, here’s step one for a successful co-parenting relationship – view your soon to be ex-spouse as your “co-parenting partner” and not “your ex.” Getting dragged into the mindset of your ex-spouse may have some built-in bias and negative memories so leave that where it belongs – in the past. Now, it’s time to embrace the new chapter and the new role that your spouse is transitioning to.

2. Be Patient

I’m of the opinion that even amicable divorce couples are going through a tough time. You and your co-parenting partner are both faced with the unknown and possibly of scarce resources and job insecurity. In some cases, one or both partners have been laid off. Your stress level may be at an all-time high. Right now, you still have to model how you want to be treated. So be patient with your co-parenting partner. I get it, some folks have a toxic spouse who may not have any empathy, but you can only do your part. Getting worked up emotionally right now is probably not the time.

3. Draft a schedule:

The current pandemic brings a lot of uncertainty along with the complication of your child being out of school. Discuss the current schedule with your co-parenting partner and propose ideas for any change to the schedule, if needed. Also, be considerate of any changes in your schedule as well as your co-parenting partner’s schedule. Modeling self-compassion and compassion to others may go a long way. Below are two sample schedules to consider in conjunction to the week off-week on approach. There are more schedules outside of this but hopefully this will give a preliminary baseline of how to structure time with kids.

2-2-5-5   SCHEDULE (M: Mom and D: Dad)

Very popular among families, 50/50 schedule, good for older kids 

2-2-3 SCHEDULE  (M: Mom and D: Dad)

Good for younger kids but has lots more transitions 

For those interested in finding out how to structure the daily activities below is a sample:

COVID-19 Homeschool Schedule 

4. Communication:

Communication is at the forefront of any co-parenting relationship. It’s typical that there is some breakdown in communication among divorcing spouses. The book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, will be a game changer in how you interact and understand yourself and your co-parenting partner. I would very highly recommend this book. It’s readily available on Audible and is 5 hours in listening time. The summary version is only 20 minutes. I guarantee you that you will want to listen to the full length and have a pen and paper handy because you’ll be taking notes.

5. Visualize a Four Way Stop:

Visualize approaching a four way stop. If you drive through without stopping there can be some detrimental effects. However, if you take one minute to come to a complete stop and scan the area you will know when it’s safe to proceed. Let’s now apply this concept to communicating with your spouse. When responding to a text, email, or phone call don’t give into the immediate reaction of responding right away. Instead, take time to “stop and think” about how to respond. It’s also a good idea to draft your response and edit it a few times before sending it. You do not have to respond immediately. It’s ok to wait a day or so until you think you are in a better emotional place to respond. I’ve had clients email their responses to a friend and ask for feedback before sending – that’s ok. Also, some clients draft the response and never send it – that’s ok, too.

6. Reverse Oreo Cookie Strategy:

This is a great communication strategy that can help defuse conflicts. It encourages framing messages using a “soft-hard-soft” approach. Let’s use the example of Jill, who is mad at her co-parenting partner, Jack. Jack notified Jill that he was not able to pick up the kids 15 minutes before the expected time. Using the reverse Oreo cookie, Jill can express her disgruntled feelings as follows:

Soft: I understand that there was an unexpected change in circumstance.

Hard: However, because of this abrupt change it messed up my plans.

Soft: Moving forward, can you please give me 24-48 hours. In the case of emergencies let’s both have a list of 3 babysitters who can help out.

7. Set your Boundaries:

Now that things have slowed down you and your co-parenting partner may have some extra time. It’s still important to set boundaries. For those who live in the same house, when you’re around your desk – that means you are at work. When your door is closed that means you are on an important work related phone call. Likewise, do the same when you get a text message, email, or phone call from your divorcing partner. Unless it’s a dire emergency you don’t have to respond right away.

8. Apps:

In high conflict cases, clients often opt to communicate via an app. Features of these apps often include settings to allow parenting coordinators or judges access to correspondence between the parents, and warnings when certain “trigger” words or phrases are detected. Some of the top apps are Our Family Wizard and Coparently. Coparently lets you do quite a bit e.g., track expenses, share a calendar, and access medical records and information. It also allows you to add your children as users, so they can communicate with both of you at the same time.

9. Abusive Relationships:

Being in the same space as an abusive spouse can be unsafe and mentally daunting. Abuse is not only physical or sexual, but it can be emotional, psychological, and neglectful. For those coexisting with a toxic spouse: devise a safety plan and discuss this with your therapist and/or attorney before acting on it. The Fairfax County Court’s website has a list of hotline numbers, housing, and counseling services available. Click here for more information. Even though the Court’s “regular” docket is on hold during the pandemic, the Court is OPEN for protective order hearings.  Also, Shelter House  – Fairfax County’s only 24-hour shelter for victims of domestic violence –provides resources for people in these types of situations. Abuse is a cycle and there comes a turning point whereby you have to break it.

10. Toxic Spouse:

Some people will take advantage of the situation by demanding more time, using excuses, or just down right being difficult. Do not engage in the power struggle. Seek help. Consult with a trusted friend, therapist, or your attorney. Also consider joining a support group.

11. Consider Virtual Mediation:

CGG is offering virtual mediation. For those who are interested in finding out more information, please visit our website at cgglawyers.com or call us at (703) 934-1480. Mediation is oftentimes thought of as a very effective strategy for negotiating settlement terms and gives you and your co-parenting partner more autonomy to control the outcome.

12. Find a Parenting Coordinator:

A parenting coordinator can be a guiding light for those in highly contentious custody cases. The parenting coordinator is a neutral professional who will listen to both you and your co-parenting partner and make recommendations for custody schedules. The goal is to help parents follow their parenting plan, monitor compliance with the plan, help resolve conflicts about children in a timely manner, and protect and maintain a safe, healthy, and meaningful parent-child relationship. A parenting coordinator often serves as a go-between to keep conflict between parents to a minimum until they can interact in a business-like manner. Some parenting coordinators may be doing work remotely.

13. Indulge in Self Care and Effective Coping Strategies:

Read our blog entry on 14 Tips to Combat COVID-19 Stress (and General Coping Tips to Get You Through the Divorce).

Things may have to get worse before they get better. Motivational quotes help to frame an experience or even give a new lens through which to process your situation. I came across this quote and thought to share it with you during this time of uncertainty:

I will breathe 

I will think of solutions 

I will not let my worry control me 

I will not let my stress level break me 

I will simply breathe and it will 

be okay because I don’t quit 

~ Shayne McClendon 

In this time of uncertainty, just breathe, stay calm, and use some of the strategies from this article. We are all working through this new normal.

The Balancing Act of COVID-19 and Co-Parenting in Northern Virginia

Some co-parenting relationships are very complex and the resources outlined in this article may not have fully addressed your needs. If you need someone to talk to please consider contacting our in house psychologist/divorce coach Dr. Leah Nathan at lnathan@cgglaywers.com. Leah provides a one-time complimentary meeting that can be done over the phone or by video.