Infidelity is a hurtful experience for the entire family unit ~ not only for the betrayed spouse but also for the children and extended family members. Often times, the betrayed spouse wants the truth to be told in its rawest, most explicit form, with the spouse who committed the adultery plagued with shame and guilt. But what about the kids? What should they be told?
Talking About Divorce with Children
If a couple decides that they want to move forward with the dissolution of the marriage, there has to be some dialogue with the children about the upcoming change. The best interest of the child should be first and foremost when considering what the kids should be told about the separation and divorce. If you are thinking about having this conversation, it’s best to give strong consideration to the age and maturity level of the children involved. Learning this information, especially if infidelity is involved, can be devastating, heart breaking, and traumatizing. A child will always remember this message. It will be etched in their mind permanently.
How to Best Tell Children About Divorce
Every family’s situation is different and there are no set rules for how to tell the kids. If you need someone to talk to, consider reaching out to CGG’s psychologist/divorce coach, Dr. Leah Nathan at lnathan@cgglaywers.com, for help. This blog also provides a guideline that can be tweaked for your own personal use.
Young Children (ages 0-5 years old)
Young children (ages 0-5 years old) do not need to know the details. They are too young to fully understand the complexity of relationships. The “less is best approach” is better suited when delivering this message to this age group. Younger children will need to hear that, although their family life will change, they are still loved. Changes happen and this is a change that the family will work through. Consider investing in a personalized stuffed animal and adding a message so that when they go to mom’s house they can hear dad’s voice and vice versa. Incorporating developmentally appropriate books into their bedtime routine will also be helpful. CGG can provide you with a list of recommended readings should you want to find specific books for your child.
School-aged Children (ages 6 – 12)
School-aged children (ages 6 – 12) are likely to be more cognizant of family discord. They may need a little more explanation, but still not too much detail. One thing is for certain, and that is that they do not need any details about the affair. It’s highly recommended to use the “reverse Oreo cookie” strategy. That is, start the message with a soft, then hard, then soft statement. For example: “Both mom and dad got married with the intent to stay together (soft). However, things changed and we both tried to make it work but it just didn’t. So, we decided that it would be best to live separately (hard). You are still going to be involved our lives (soft).” If the kids probe more, you could let them know that the issue is between you and your spouse, and it’s an adult problem. If any other questions are asked, it’s best to say something like this: “One day when you are older, maybe I can explain it further. Right now, though, the focus is taking care of you and creating more family time/memories together. Family time will look different but we are still their parents. That will not change.” Let the kids know that they may have mixed emotions and they are welcome to talk to either of you. If the kids follow up with you one-on-one, then reiterate this message. Also consider incorporating some books about divorce into their bedtime routine.
Teenagers
When thinking of how to tell teenagers (13-19), you may want to consider telling them the truth. Teenagers understand betrayal and they are aware that some of their friends’ families have experienced infidelity. They may even experience it in their own personal relationships. They still do not need to know the explicit details, but they will ask questions. Having an honest conversation to answer any questions they may have can help re-build trust in the family unit. Being forthcoming with mistakes that hurt them and their family may be more respected than living a lie. If your teenager is asking too many questions and your judgment call is that certain details do not need to be discussed, then say something like this: “There was someone else involved. There are some things that their mother/father may not be proud of discussing right now”. If there are vast age differences between your kids, remember that siblings do tend to talk among themselves so don’t be surprised if younger children ask older children why you two are getting divorced. It’s hard to keep a family secret of this magnitude with a teenager in the house who fully knows what is going on.
Involving a Professional Knowledgeable About Divorce in Virginia
Before having this conversation, it may be worthwhile having a trusted professional as a resource. This person can help tailor your talking points to your situation and “process” the talk after it occurred. It will give a neutral party an opportunity to explore how the kids are feeling and this person can share feedback on how best to move forward.
If you are looking for additional reading material, consider:
Again, if you need someone to talk to, please consider contacting CGG’s psychologist/divorce coach Dr. Leah Nathan at lnathan@cgglaywers.com.