Surviving Parental Alienation
By: Leah Nathan, Ph.D.
Parents who fall into the trap of being the “alienated parent” often times do not see it coming. They may even naïvely think, initially, that they are being made into the “bad parent.” So what exactly is parental alienation? Parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a term that was coined by Richard A. Gardner, a psychiatrist, in the 1980s. PAS has gained wide recognition in the legal and psychological fields. However, there is no standardized diagnostic criterion for PAS as this term is not identified in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). In fact, the term PAS has been refuted and debunked from the scientific community. Some even refer to PAS as “junk science.” Nonetheless, PAS, and derivatives of the word/syndrome such as “the alienated child” or “parental alienation,” are widely used terms in contested custody battles. Warshak (2014) cited that, although there is no specific diagnosis of parental alienation, the DSM-V includes under the heading “Relational Problems” and the sub-heading “Problems Related to Family Upbringing,” two diagnostic categories that can presumably describe children who are irrationally alienated from a parent. Regardless of the empirical validity of the term, it speaks to a horrific family and social problem for describing troubled parent-child relationships. Some wonder why parents would split their children into intense objects of love and hate. Well, the absence of guilt is one of the most striking features of parental alienation. The alienating parent usually does not care nor do they feel sorry for any implications arising from their behavior (probably because they may have traits of an alienating personality disorder such as narcissism, borderline, or antisocial/psychopathic tendencies).
Children view divorce through different lenses than do adults. Typically, children want to feel loved, supported, and they want to maintain healthy relationships with both of their parents. However, for the alienating parent’s own selfish gains and needs, he/she gets gratification from having the child choose a side. They foster, and in some cases create, a sense of rejection by the other parent, thereby manipulating the child to believe that the alienating parent is the better parent who cares about them. In essence, the targeted parent is made out to be the “bad” one. Parental alienation involves mental programming of the child to hate the other parent. There are many assumptions as to why parents alienate, and some of the reasons include: (1) the alienating parent has an inability to separate the couple’s conflict and instead he/she triangulates the child, and (2) the alienating parent is using these sets of behaviors as a strategy to win any child custody disputes.
There are detrimental psychological effects of parental alienation and it has been seen as a form of abuse. It is a penetrating form of psychological abuse that permeates through a child’s heart, mind, and feelings, and can have profound impact in his/her adult relationships. So, although there are no physical scars, there are deep emotional wounds that are inflicted on the child. Amy Baker (2011) postulated that parents who try to alienate their child from his or her other parent convey a three-part message to the child: (1) I am the only parent who loves you and you need me to feel good about yourself, (2) the other parent is dangerous and unavailable, and (3) pursuing a relationship with that parent jeopardizes your relationship with me. In essence, the child receives the message that he/she is worthless and unloved and only of value for meeting the needs of others. Baker further added that parental alienation involves a set of strategies, including bad-mouthing the other parent, limiting contact with that parent, erasing the other parent from the life and mind of the child (forbidding discussion and pictures of the other parent), forcing the child to reject the other parent, creating the impression that the other parent is dangerous, forcing the child to choose between the parents by means of threats of withdrawal of affection, and belittling and limiting contact with the extended family of the targeted parent.
In court proceedings, parental alienation presents as the child having a strong and even passionate preference for one parent while the other parent is labeled as the “bad parent”. So, how do you survive the effects of parental alienation? Here are some tips:
1. Spend quality time with your child. Your actions will speak more volume than words and children will see the toxic intentions of the alienating parent. Flood the child with unconditional love, support, and acceptance.
2. Don’t engage in “tit for tat.” Speak good things about the alienating parent. This will help the child to see that you do not want him/her to pick sides but rather you are fostering a sense of love and belonging from both parents.
3. Take it seriously. You may hear your child say, “mommy said that you…” or “daddy said that you…” followed by a disparaging comment. Document it. Ask the other parent for an explanation or for details on what exactly transpired.
4. Educate yourself. Increase your understanding of parental alienation by reading book, blogs, and related websites.
5. Speak to a parenting coordinator/ mental health provider. This will provide an outlet for you to further document your attempts to maintain a healthy relationship with your child. Also, it will help to provide an emotional anchor to assist you with making good decisions and provide you with tools to effectively “problem solve” when difficult situations arise.
6. Keep your attorney informed. Let your attorney know what transpired in parenting sessions and lean on their expertise on how to navigate through this hurdle.
