Who Are You Post Divorce?
I was recently reading one of my favorite blogs by leadership author Janet Ioli. She wrote about the struggle to define one’s self after a career or long-term project ends. The question that resonated most with me was, “Who am I when I am no longer part of a couple after my divorce?”
The cultural and historic definition of marriage is the joining of two as one. Once joined, both people certainly change. Sometimes that alone is the cause of the divorce. Regardless, once separated, both are undoubtedly different. The longer the marriage, the more pronounced this difference seems to be.
By way of example, some of my clients, men and women alike, change their last name upon marriage and, perhaps, again upon divorce. Is there anything more personal than the words you use to refer to yourself— your name? Who are you when that changes, especially if your children’s names do not change?
Another more tangible example is the ring finger tan line (not to mention the indentation from years of constant wearing coupled with years of weight gain). How long before that constant reminder fades away?
As Kahlil Gibran put it in Sand and Foam, “Only once was I made mute. It was when a man asked me, ‘Who are you?’” Post-divorce, this question stares many of my clients in the face. Answers to such important questions rarely come easy.
While divorce reveals the differences between who you were and who you thought you were, it does not automatically answer who you are today. And that, surprisingly, is the gift of a new beginning. The quest to determine who you are today provides you with the opportunity to redefine and reinvent yourself as whoever you want to be.