What is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a term that was coined by Richard A. Gardner, a psychiatrist, in the 1980s. Parental alienation (also known as “parental gatekeeping”) involves mental programming the child to hate the other parent. There are many theories as to why parents alienate, including: (1) the alienating parent has an inability to separate the couple conflict and instead they triangulate the child, and (2) the alienating parent is using these set of behaviors as a strategy to win any child custody disputes.
Children view divorce through a different lens than do adults. Typically, children want to feel loved and supported, and they want to maintain healthy relationships with both of their parents. However, for the alienating parent’s own selfish gains and needs, s/he experiences gratification from having the child choose a side. They foster, and in some cases create, a sense of rejection by the other parent (sometimes known as the “targeted parent”), thus manipulating the child to believe that the alienating parent is the better parent who cares about them. In essence, the targeted parent is made out to be the “bad” one.
What Does Parental Alienation Look Like?
Parental alienation can involve:
- Bad-mouthing the other parent
- Limiting contact with the other parent
- Forbidding the child from talking about the other parent
- Forbidding the child from displaying pictures of the other parent
- Creating the impression that the other parent is dangerous
- Forcing the child to choose between the parents by means of threat of withdrawal of affection
- Belittling and/or limiting contact with the extended family of the targeted parent
- Referring to the targeted parent by his/her first name (or by a disparaging name)
Is Parental Alienation a Form of Abuse?
Parental alienation is a penetrating form of psychological abuse that permeates through a child’s heart, mind and feelings, and can have a profound impact in their adult relationships. Although there are no physical scars, deep emotional wounds are inflicted upon the child. Experts in the field of parental alienation (including Dr. Amy Baker) have postulated that parents who try to alienate their child from his or her other parent convey a three-part message to the child: (1) I am the only parent who loves you and you need me to feel good about yourself; (2) The other parent is dangerous and unavailable; and (3) Pursuing a relationship with the other parent endangers your relationship with me.
How to survive the effects of Parental Alienation
Spend quality time with your child. Your actions will speak more volume than words and children will see the toxic intentions of the alienating parent. Flood with child with unconditional love, support, and acceptance.
- Don’t engage in tit for tat. Speak good things about the alienating parent. This will help the child to see that you do not want him/her to pick sides, but rather that you are fostering a sense of love and belonging from both parents.
- Take it seriously. You may hear your child say, “mommy said that you…” or “daddy said that you…” followed by a disparaging comment. Document it. Ask the other parent for an explanation or for details on what exactly transpired.
- Educate yourself. Increase your understanding of parental alienation by reading book, blogs, and related websites.
- Speak to a parenting coordinator/ mental health provider. This will provide an outlet for you to further document your attempts to maintain a healthy relationship with your child. Also, it will help to provide an emotional anchor to help you make good decisions and effectively problem solve how to handle situations that arise.
- Keep your attorney informed. Let your attorney know what transpired in parenting sessions and lean on their expertise on how to navigate through this hurdle.
The attorneys at Cooper Ginsberg Gray, along with CGG’s divorce coach, Dr. Leah Nathan, can assist you if you believe that you are a “targeted parent” and that your spouse is engaging in parental alienation. Contact our office today to learn more about our services.