Revenge is sweet for the person with passive aggressive traits who focuses on how to execute their pay back in a subtle way. Passive aggressiveness is often times sugar-coated, and therefore it is harder to detect the underlying anger and rage. Know, however, that their rage is real and they will show you and assert it in indirect ways. Navigating through a divorce from people with passive aggressive traits is difficult because they are likely to play the victim role and displace a lot of anger onto you. Manipulation and indirect communication are a way of life for them. These people have learned to mask their anger. But, like a dormant volcano that later erupts, that is how passive aggression works: it sits quietly until it is time to explode.
So what can you expect from the person with passive aggressive traits during the divorce?
Being Absentminded:
People with passive aggressive traits would much rather view themselves as absentminded rather than argumentative and/or disagreeable. Therefore, your passive aggressive spouse will try to do everything to persuade both attorneys that he or she is innocent, while projecting blame onto you. Forgetfulness is one of their signature hallmarks used in an effort to magnify their perceived innocence. The person with passive aggressive traits will often times forget legal obligations such as deposition dates, court dates, and responding to interrogatories, as well as forget other important endeavors in an effort to intentionally slow down the divorce process. You can expect the process to move slowly, take more time than expected, and even exceed the budgeted amount that you had set aside for the divorce. This is all apart of their plan and their absentmindedness is an actual strategy for them to incapacitate the divorce process.
Aggravation:
You may find yourself feeling aggravated and rightfully so because the passive aggressive person will play the game of going along with the whole process yet they are intentionally sabotaging it. They have a calm demeanor that hides the hostility lurking beneath the surface. Their actions are ruled by anger and do not for a second misconstrue this because they do not voice it outright. They may refuse to sign the divorce papers or at the last minute disagree with the proposed settlement terms, instead of stating their thoughts earlier in the process. As such, you should be prepared for last minute changes and have Plan B ready to be executed in light of any last minute changes.
Silent Treatment is their Specialty:
Silence can be crippling to a relationship and can sometimes even be worse than arguing. The person with passive aggressive traits may either engage in dead silence or be very curt in their responses. The passive aggressive person tends to keep their thoughts short and this can be confusing because they do not communicate well and this may complicate the divorce proceedings.
The Angry Smile:
Do not be fooled by their smiles. The passive aggressive person may appear to comply or act appropriately, but actually behaves negatively and passively resists. Stick to the facts, because their smile is misleadingly loaded with anger and revenge.
You now have more resources in your toolbox for identifying some issues that you may face when divorcing someone with passive aggressive traits. But the question may remain- how do you cope with the person with passive aggressive traits, especially through the divorce process? Simply put, you should avoid the “Tit for Tat” and confront the proverbial elephant in the room. Yes, one of the most powerful ways to confront passive aggressive behavior is to directly address their anger in a given situation. Remember, the passive aggressive personalities spend their lives avoiding direct emotional expressions and guarding against open acknowledgement of their anger. Anger should be affirmed in a factual, non-judgmental way, such as, “It seems to me that you are angry at me for suggesting this as a part of the divorce settlement.” The impact of this seemingly simple exposure can be quite profound. The underlying psychology behind passive aggression is that they feel as though their voice is unheard and that what they say will not matter. Remember that this is not your fault, but rather a result of deeper psychological issues typically stemming back to childhood that the person as an adult tends to reenact. Give the person with passive aggressive traits a forum to speak their thoughts and share their ideas. Actively solicit their thoughts and do not get tangled into the web of their silence treatment. Remember their silence can be toxic and lead to a protracted and drawn out divorce settlement. So nip it in the bud.
By: Leah Nathan, Ph.D.
