COVID-19 – Adjusting to the New Normal with Kids | Marriage Advice

With all the schedule disruptions caused by the COVID-19 crisis, there is a good chance that neither you, your co-parent, nor your child are in your comfort zones right now. The co-parenting relationship is already a fragile one. Some of our clients are living in the same home, while others reside in their separate homes. But one thing remains constant: your soon to be ex-spouse is your co-parent and will always have the role of mom or dad in your child’s life.

This may be an ideal time to reflect on the communication between you and your co-parenting partner and think of a way to improve it moving forward. And, let’s face it, not everyone’s story fits the co-parenting model – some clients are parallel parenting. Either way, know that for now it’s okay to not be okay (and tell your kids that too)!

This article gives tips on how to care for your kids and interact with your co-parent during this time. But first you have to monitor your own stress level and use effective coping skills. Afterall, you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can attend to your child and co-parenting partner. You may want to read the blog entry titled: 14 Tips to Combat COVID-19 Stress (and General Coping Tips to Get You Through the Divorce). 

Anyhow, back to this…

Your kids: 

1. How to Talk to Kids about the Coronavirus: For kids, knowing that their parents are getting a divorce and now experiencing a global pandemic may be interpreted as a double catastrophe. They may be plagued with negative thoughts and this prompts them to consider further loss, i.e., loss of their family life, loss of their friends, and loss of time at school. With schools being closed, their social outlets where they interact with friends and teachers, have been put on pause. The Child Mind Institute has a wealth of resources on how to explain this to your kids. Be sure to check out their video and tips here. Keep in mind that it’s important to be honest and also to let them know that it’s something that is constantly evolving.
2. Manage Information Intake: Children are naturally curious and eager to learn. They may want to know if there are any updates. Choose developmentally appropriate new sources to share with your children. You don’t want to inundate them with information. Your children may already have the basic information you need so watching/reading the news repetitively won’t help. Rather, it may increase their catastrophic thinking.
3. Family Activities (with or without your co-parent): We all know that kids get bored easily and the shutdown of virtually everything they have known as normalcy does not make it any easier to entertain them. Take this as an opportunity to create some family memories either with or without your co-parent. With the rollout of distance learning, consider helping your children more than usual with their assigned work, schedule a family movie night, prep for a family meal together, or engage in a family game night.

I have personally taken on the task of turning one of our favorite family photos into a puzzle and can’t wait for the delivery. Before selecting a photo, we had a family vote on which photo to choose which was fun in and of itself. Either way, children will remember this time as a time that you bonded with them.

4. Develop a Schedule: Even though this is a major change, remember that children respond well to schedules and routines. I drafted a sample “COVID-19 Homeschool Schedule” that I follow (ok, sometimes follow) with my kids. See below. But either way, it still gives us an idea of what to expect every day. Be flexible with your schedule. This is a new situation that we are all trying to figure out.

“Sample COVID-19 Homeschool Schedule”

5. Audible: In an effort to keep young minds active, alert, and engaged, Audible announced that they will be offering free  during this time. Take advantage of the free stuff – it’s a rare find. Also, if you kids prefer to see the visual images of the books Kindle is a great source as well. We also have other book recommendations for kids in divorced families. Check out: Two Homes and Dinosaurs Divorce. There’s a more extensive book list available. Just ask us and we’ll email you.
6. Mindfulness:  The ambiguity of this situation may cause your child to have even more anxiety. Mindfulness is oftentimes referred to as a “grounding technique” that will take you through your five senses to help remind you of the present. This is a calming technique that can help you and your kids get through tough or stressful situations.

While doing these exercises it’s important to pay attention to being fully present and attentive to your five senses (i.e., look, feel, listen, smell, and taste). Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) emphasizes self-soothing with your five senses because it helps to shift your mind from a stressful situation to something entirely different.

Mindful Schools is offering free online mindfulness classes to kids. Click here to register for free: Mindful Schools. The classes are held every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at 10AM.

7. Exercise: I came across this fun workout that you can do with your kids. Your kids may be stressed and we all know that stress increases cortisol levels which can lead to more sadness, anxiety, irritability, meltdowns, and acting out behaviors. Try this 7 Minute Animal HIIT workout. Access the free printable workout sheet here. In school, kids have an outlet to release their physical energy so create a workout time to give them the same space.
8. Educational Apps: As we transition into another week of “homeschooling” due to the Coronavirus there are tons of educational apps available to make this fun, easy, and convenient. TeacherVision is granting free access to all their apps and worksheets for grades K through 12. Click here.
9. Cognitive Reframing, Reassurance, and Looking at the Bright Side: Most naturally, kids may perceive this time as a time of loss: they lost their school time, social time with friends, they lost their routine, lost their play dates, and the list goes on. But remind them that they still have you as their parent and now you have more time to spend with them. Cognitive reframing is a powerful strategy to help them view the pandemic from another perspective.
10. Arrange a Virtual Play Date: Scheduling a FaceTime talk or a virtual play date may help your child to feel connected to others. Many platforms offer this feature such as FaceTime, WhatsApp, and Skype.
11. Remember it’s okay:  Yes you need to know that it’s okay to not be perfect at homeschooling, it’s okay for things to feel hard as you try to balance kids with work, it’s okay for your kids to have extra screen time, and it’s okay for none of this to feel normal.

In this time of uncertainty, just breathe, stay calm and use some of the strategies from this article. We are all working through this new normal.

If you need someone to talk to please consider contacting our in house psychologist/divorce coach Dr. Leah Nathan at lnathan@cgglaywers.com. Leah provides a one-time complimentary meeting that can be done over the phone or by video.